October Blues

Eleven thirty on a Friday night and I find myself tucked under my favorite black and white zebra blanket,  come away with me  by Norah Jones is playing in the background, while I take a sip of chamomile tea out my favorite paris mug. Trying to find ways of distracting my mind and that organ that’s between my lungs, tricking it into not feeling the ocean, and it’s tide of emotions that have been flowing in and out of my core for the past month, or maybe more like a year.  I read somewhere feeling everything so deeply can be a curse, right now I couldn’t agree more.  Is it supposed to be this hard? Fighting for the love and the happiness I know I deserve. It’s really over, its done, se acabo, finito. The relationship that I have been clinging on to for the past year and a half has come to an end. Breaking up three times in the past two years, wow that must be a new record, or maybe not, since this relationship might be under the unhealthy relationships category. My heart aches knowing that its better off without one of its soul mates, but at ease knowing I did everything to salvage what felt like the love of my life. I know, I know at the end it’s a lesson learned,  I came out a stronger person, aware that sometimes love isn’t enough & that October will continue to be cold, dark, gray and it terrifies me and  scares me knowing that my best friend will no longer be part of my life.

Am I crazy? For giving up, for trying, for screaming, crying, for laughing, loving, hating, doubting, for being jealous,for walking away, for coming back, for believing, for trusting, for always being loyal, for caring deeply,  for thinking there’s someone else, one of those sluts from Instagram, Facebook or worse Tinder. In the chaos of it all, I know I’m responsible for my feelings, but not hearing those three reassuring words makes you think of dark negative things. Insecurity is the monster root of it all, I’m not perfect, far from it. Every day I try to be better than I was yesterday. I’ve pushed my self to find, create and to always stay true to myself, that’s why I accidentally, without being aware, started a journey to something beyond my higher self. Spirituality and enlightenment have both become part of my daily life, my passion, my purpose is to be in harmony with my thinking, saying and feeling. I’m too sensitive, perhaps over emotional, so what? Why is it so hard to deal with my feelings, why is it okay to disregard and push feelings aside. Am I not good enough? No. I know damn well what I am worth, that’s why I fought, and yelled because I believed the love was there and it wasn’t being, it was hiding. Putting up walls against me, going to sleep with out kissing good night,not saying I love you, not holding me in his arms, not knowing every inch of my  aching body, not holding my hand, not feeling safe . Thinking it would be temporary after getting back together, not loving me became a habit. Only to realize that our love became ordinary. The man I tripped and fell for every day, who for the first time I felt like I could be my true self, filled my heart with fire, made me believe in love again, made me want to be a better woman, was no longer next to me.

It’s two thirty in the morning. I wonder what he’s up to now? Probably out at a bar, or clubbin with his “bros” and some slutty biddies drinking his feelings away. He loves me, but it wasn’t enough, doesn’t that just sound ridiculous? Love wasn’t enough.  When I love, I love big, I get aggressive with my love, if there’s one thing I get aggressive with is love. He doesn’t know how big my love is (was), our walls became a competition and harder to bring down. Everything became an argument, turning into a battle ending in a war, destroying and damaging the only white pieces we had left to recreate our team. Once again, his ego won. Does he not know? All I ever wanted was his heart, just how unfair is our love.

The cold crispy fall nights, the deep blue sky with its million stars shining with the bright moon smile and tell me that it will be okay. Fighting for what I deserve, knowing that what’s for me will be,and what’s not will go away. So much growth comes from pain and suffering. Pain and suffering is experienced  by almost every human. Everywhere in the world there is a soul that suffers in some type of way.  I know that from that dark whole, and pain we can slowly let it go instead of avoiding and trying to control it. Letting it go brings the light in, let the sunshine in, tonight will be the night in October that my darkness left and tomorrow I will let my sparkle overtake the empty wholes.

 

 

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Your task is no…

“Your task is not to seek love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it. “


 

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Our Front Door

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As I sit and reflect on my life, I find myself humbled. Humbled by the business that takes place all around me, the real fight for life and struggle against death, the palpable emotions of situations I often find myself in, and the incredible strength of those whom I work alongside. It’s the stuff movies are made of and it is truly amazing to watch.

Working in an Emergency Department creates such an interesting outlook on life. One that knows and understands all to well the fragility of every single breath and the vital importance of embracing all aspects of living, even the scary ones. We are the truest definition of realism. Would I like to wrap my kids in bubble wrap and never let them out? Yes. Do I? No. Instead they can be found jumping on the bed, because let’s face it, it’s awesome. Riding their bikes outside…

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